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i wanna know that my heart is still beating
wearing my heart on my sleeve
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19th-Jan-2012 11:46 pm - Home

Home is where the heart is, right? Father, let my home be You.

I don't want to have to deal with this sense of displacement anymore. To put my Singapore life on hold when I'm in Perth and to put my Aussie life on hold when I'm in Singapore. I'm so torn. I don't even know where I belong to anymore.

So God, please, let me belong to You.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

19th-Jan-2012 01:52 am(no subject)
I'm at a loss for words. Just read a friend's lj, and all I can say is that I understand.
26th-Dec-2011 02:41 pm - Christmas

I realised that as I get older, Christmas becomes less about the presents and more about the presence of friends and family. Loved ones.

And in retrospect, although it really hasn't been an easy year, God has really blessed me so much this year and I wouldn't ask for an easier year. He has surrounded me with people who love me and whom I love. What more can I ask for?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

2nd-Dec-2011 12:46 am - lost
I feel like I'm floating at sea now. Drowning, perhaps. In a sea of emotions. I have not stopped crying in more than a week now. Each day I wake up hoping against hope and each night I pray that everything'll turn out alright before I sleep. Praying for hope, praying for faith. And yet, being so angry, so so angry, at the God whom I pray too.

It seems almost like a cruel joke. All my life, I've been asserting that I'll NEVER go ahead with a LDR. Never. Note the absolute term. And yet, now I have to, don't I? I'd give up anything for him, but I have to continue at Curtin Perth. Because. This is going to be so difficult I can't even begin to imagine how hard it will be. Currently every little thing opens the faucets of hell so I really don't know what I'm gonna do.

I really wish I can be strong, to say that we should cherish every moment we have together before I have to leave again but I can't. I say it but I can't bring myself to mean it and we just spend so much time crying together while the clock ticks away. Before coming back, before the bomb fell cruelly on my relationship, I kept saying that summer break is hell long. I mean, it's nearly four months. But now I wish it'll never end, cos I dread going back to Perth without him. Curtin Singapore has the most screwed up trimesters ever. Assuming I'm back in Singapore on 5 November 2012 as I was 2011, that's the first day of his 3rd trimester. Who the hell has trimesters anyway?! Only pregnant women do. Screw you Curtin Singapore. For being an alternative. 

Everyone keeps feeding me the bullshit that LDRs are not a problem these days with the wonderful advanced technology of the modern society and their evil spawn named Skype and Whatsapp respectively. But technology does not come without flaws. And those two programs are hell unreliable. We tried it for five days when I came back to SIngapore before he did and those were the most frustrating five days ever. Also the five days during which my Macpie was the most abused by me. Verbally. Imagine those five days multiplied by weeks into months. I can't even come back during winter so that's a whole year. 

Now I just have to find something to block out the pain.
29th-Nov-2011 03:32 am - food for thought
It's 3.18am and I'm having cream of mushroom for supper (thank you Campbells and Warhol, the man who immortalised Campbells in art) and I'm just thinking of the conversation I had with the boy on the phone earlier. Well, one of the conversations.

Our relationship is relatively young and volatile, due to both our emotional natures and our personalities are complete opposites. He's so serious, and..old, and responsible. And sensible. And always thinking about the future. Whereas I'm more impulsive and I hate planning. He hates spending unnecessary money and hardly ever spends on himself. Fashion? Blah. Whereas I just..spend. Finances? What's that?! But yeah, in the oddest of circumstances, God brought us together. Of that, I'm sure. No, I'm most sure.

So he was telling me about his earlier conversation with his dad about marriage. His dad said that when you really love someone, you die to yourself and you're willing to die for the other person. Sounds familiar? And then he asked if I'd die for him. The answer caught both of us by surprise, I think. Without even thinking, without even the slightest hint of doubt, an extremely certain "yes" escaped from me. Then he asked if i'll ever give up shopping for him. As in, if I'll ever give up shopping. SHOPPING. The one thing in the world that I quite possibly enjoy the most. Except when I'm in the red, of course. Shopping, my emotional crutch. And I said "yes" again.

Yes. Such a simple word. Yet, so scary. The weight of the commitment that comes with every "yes" we utter sometimes fails to register within us before we say it. But thinking about it, I don't regret it. I'm not afraid of the commitment that came with the "yes". I know the things I'd do for him. If he has to transfer back to Curtin Singapore to be with his family, I will give up my fabulous life in Perth. If he some day has to relocate to the ends of the earth, I'll relocate without a doubt.

It's so scary to be 20 and have such strong feelings for someone else. To be so sure that he is The One that God meant for you. To know that somehow, you can never leave him because you need him as much as he needs you. Yet to know that you both bring out the best in each other and your strengths and weaknesses complement perfectly. To know that together, you both serve God in a way that you cannot alone. It's scary yet I'm in complete awe because I know that God did this. He planned all these. And it just catches me by surprise each time how perfect God is. In every way.
26th-Nov-2011 03:22 am(no subject)

Things seemed a hell lot easier back in perth.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

7th-Nov-2011 04:51 am(no subject)
There's only so far that you can run.

Looking at the past two years, I've been through hell and back. I've been withdrawn at one point, suicidal at another and absolutely nuts at yet another. And yet God's amazing grace broke through for me. It's amazing how He turned something so dark, so evil, into something great for His glory. How He alone gave me the courage to pick myself back up again and to go out and share my testimony with those who asked. How He's brought people into my life, people whom I shared with, whom I encouraged and blessed with my testimony. It's really been amazing. Why be afraid? I'm not gonna hide under a basket when I can shine His glory for the world to see.
29th-Oct-2011 03:21 am(no subject)
Dear God, teach me how to feel about this, show me Your way.
28th-Oct-2011 04:55 pm(no subject)
not all that glitters is gold
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